Why Feeling Better is Scary

I have said, numerous times, that the scariest place for me to dwell is in a state of “remission.” Note: I do not say recovery, because I think something as insidious as mental illness has a way of rearing its ugly head at a later date, oftentimes when you least expect it. Yes, there are people who can count themselves lucky to get through life with only one bout of major depression (or even none), but for the rest of us, the Beast that is suicidality can weave its way back into our lives with surprising ease.

I have often spoken about “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” In fact, that phrase terrified me so much that it essentially made remission implausible. Why? Because I was so scared of feeling bad and was so anxious about another potential bout of illness with the Beast front and center that I lost myself. All I did at that point was to hunker down and fear – and prepare – for the Beast’s return.

I made the mistake of not living in the present moment. I was so concerned with and anxious about hitting rock bottom again that I became a passenger on the bus. You deserve to be the driver of your own bus. I didn’t act; rather, I reacted. And that was my mistake – you don’t need to make it yours.

Embrace the good days, even if you know in your heart of hearts that it’s a mere reprieve and that it will not – cannot – last; try to accept it as a harbinger of better things to come. Do not throw it away because you are afraid. Be brave. Let yourself accept when things seem to be falling into place, when feeling good makes a cameo appearance in your life – don’t just settle for accepting feeling bad.

Do not do what I did, which was to crawl under a rock and wait the good times out. I was so scared to trust them. To this day, I feel my breath hitch when things go well. But I have learned (mostly – I’m not perfect) to accept the good things in life without looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because doing that takes YOU out of the picture, and you are the most important thing in that picture!!

You might find, like I did, that while a random good day seemed cruel (because I knew it wouldn’t last), that, in time, with work and effort on your part, that day can become days. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy (spoiler alert: it’s not), but in time you will find that you have strung several days, maybe even a week, where Master Doomsday (aka the Beast) doesn’t make an appearance. I sometimes don’t notice it until it ends, and then I feel a tremendous sense of grief. That is perfectly normal!

So, what do you do in the meantime, as you await better days to come? You work. You work hard, every day. You kick the Beast to the curb. You get a therapist and a doctor – good ones. (If you don’t like one or both, find someone you do like, that you can confide in.) You shouldn’t settle in life, and you certainly don’t want to settle when it comes to your mental health. Pick treaters who believe in you, who support you, and who challenge you. You deserve a future not only where you come first, but where you thrive.