Are You Lonely?

What, exactly, constitutes loneliness? For many, loneliness is associated with time spent alone, without others. For some of us, we can feel most lonely in a crowd. You see, being lonely can mean a loss of connection. We might be invited to the swankiest party of the holiday season, but feel invisible in the crowd.

For me, loneliness is the feeling I get when I don’t feel seen. I might be in the middle of a crowd – or in the middle of a conversation with someone who is not really present in the current moment – and feel lonely.

Loneliness can be soul-crushing. It can be incredibly painful. It can lead to increased isolation (and therefore, more loneliness – a painful cycle that can be very hard to break). The worst thing that loneliness can do is to stoke the fire of the Beast that is suicidality. For more than a few people, loneliness leads to painful (and most often inaccurate) self-reflection that can lead down the suicidal rabbit hole.

If you are someone who tends towards being suicidal, and you are isolating out of habit or because you have begun feeling hopeless, my very best advice (aside from the obvious: a call to your therapist and psychiatrist) is to get yourself around people. Someone you know is best, but even a trip to Target or the drug store or a doctor’s waiting room – all of these are better than a suicide attempt.

My longtime therapist used to tell me there is no such thing as a happy hermit. I argued with her for years. Turns out, she was right on the money. She told me that I had to get out of the house at least once per day and that I had to have a conversation with another human being (while helpful, she did not consider my dogs “human beings”). She was okay with that conversation with the drugstore checkout clerk. I had to say something more than “hello” or “thank you.”

I started asking the clerk at Walgreens, at Target, and at the little mom-and-pop down the way how their day was going. That almost always ended up being a few-sentence conversation. To this day, I ask that question when I check out at the register of a store – and I’m genuinely sorry that I almost always catch them off guard. They don’t expect customers to treat them like people. (And, somewhat ironically, I’d hazard a guess that this is a pretty lonely job.)

To beg the question, do I get lonely? Of course! Everyone gets lonely. I don’t think anyone is immune to loneliness. In fact, I think loneliness can be a powerful tool, as it encourages us to seek the company of others – I’d hazard a guess that this is biological and evolutionary. Like wild animals, human beings have belonged to groups (clans) that provided social connection.

That saber-toothed lion was probably far more likely to attack a lone individual than a group of people. In fact, in early societies, those who did not conform to the clan's rules were cast out and had to fend for themselves. The clan did not need to kill the person; rather, Mother Nature stepped in to hand down the death sentence.

I mentioned feeling alone in a crowd. I don’t feel alone at home. No, I have three dogs who provide ever-ongoing entertainment. When I feel lonely, or upset, or scared (yes, PTSD is real), I just bury my hands in the fur of the one closest to me. They are my shadows, and rarely miss the chance for an adventure (which loosely means a trip to the kitchen to get some water or snacks). I almost never go to the bathroom alone – nope, can’t shut the door fast enough, so I pretty much don’t bother!

Whenever I start to take a step back from society and isolate, I know I’m in trouble. I know the dance with the devil – the Beast that is suicidality – is about to get real.  And that’s when I do the hardest thing for me with this illness: I ask for help. Is asking for help easy? NO! It is NOT! But I don’t need any more scars (visible or invisible), and I don’t need to put my family and friends through more hell.

So, yes, I forget about my pride, and I contact my therapist post haste, and if things are really out of control, I get myself to the hospital. Extra therapy appointments or hospitalizations are NOT, I repeat, NOT failures. Letting the Beast take over and call the shots, well, that, my friends, is failure. Don’t forget, one of the worst things to do when you’re suicidal is to isolate.

My best advice is to have an emergency plan. Visit a friend, stay with your parents, surround yourself with people – people who believe in you. Believe me, your friends and family would far, far, far rather spend time with you and help you now than attend your funeral. Read that last sentence again. If you can be transparent with the person(s) you ask for help, all the better. Just please, don’t give up. You’ve got this.