Signs of Suicidality

While people are often genuinely surprised that someone they know has committed suicide, there are actually very often signs that someone is entertaining (or has committed to) suicidal behavior/actions. In the sense that we are all our brother’s keeper, we are all called on and tasked with protecting each other, not the least of which is when our loved one (or even a mere acquaintance) shares their suicidal thinking or behavior with us.

It is important to note that most often, signs of suicidality are not blingy billboards screaming for help. Rather, it’s the little things that might seem innocuous enough on their own – sometimes it’s a matter of putting X and Y together. So, pay attention if something seems amiss, especially if what’s amiss sounds even remotely suicidal in nature.

This begs the question: What is a suicidal behavior? Some are (painfully) obvious: threatening suicide or expressing how acquaintances and loved ones would be better off if they committed suicide. Some are less flamboyant, such as someone joking around about how the world would be better off without them. If you hear things along these lines, do not pass go, do not collect $200 – get. the. person. help. IMMEDIATELY.

It's important to note that not all suicidal thinking presents itself in such a succinct, easy-to-interpret manner. Common signs of a mind contemplating suicide are as follows (these are the most prevalent signs, but by no means the only signs). For one, major changes in eating/sleeping (significant weight gain/loss; sleeping all the time or hardly at all) can be red flags. As can increased drug use, or experimenting with drugs. Some people take unnecessary risks, such as driving dangerously or driving impaired (when they wouldn’t ordinarily), or self-destructive behavior, such as gambling one’s life savings away without concern for the long-term consequences of such behavior (remember, a suicidal person is not concerned with the future, as they can’t imagine a future with themselves in it).

One should be aware that massive mood swings do not always indicate Bipolar disorder. As someone seriously contemplates suicide, they may feel angry, resigned, frustrated – even elated or confident once they decide on a plan/means. One thing that can make it very hard to intervene or help the suicidal individual is that the more they withdraw, the more intense the suicidal feelings/urges become. I know I didn’t share my suicide plans with anyone (including my therapist – honestly, especially my therapist) because I didn’t want anyone to either thwart my plans by putting me in the hospital or to blame themselves for not intervening after I successfully suicided.

I have known my fair share of people who have killed themselves. In some instances, their passing took me completely off guard. It’s the suicides where I “see” a sign posthumously that I think I should have read into in the moment that I have trouble living with myself for not having acted to protect a suicidal person.

The best example I have is one of the nearest and dearest friends I have ever been lucky enough to have. A classic sign of suicidal thinking/planning is divesting oneself of one’s most prized (or all) possessions. This friend had two cats, and they – as my dogs and horses are for me – were her world. Shortly before she was supposed to leave for a psych hospital across the country, she entrusted a friend with taking care of her cats and she was gone.

Now, if she had asked someone to check in on her cats while she was away, that would have been one thing. The fact that she gave the cats to a friend to care for in her friend’s own home gave me pause after I learned about it – after my friend had suicided. It just seems to me to be along the lines of having given up her most prized – and most loved – possessions.  

Would I necessarily have put two and two together and seen her behavior as a risk factor for imminent suicide? I don’t know, but I’d like to think it would’ve raised a red flag and engendered a conversation. It’s that conversation we never had that weighs on my mind – and my heart.

My friend’s suicide was a huge wake-up call. I mourned her (truth be told, I still mourn her), and I wish now as much as I wished then that she could have felt comfortable confiding in me. There is precious little I wouldn’t give to have just one more conversation with her and to have recognized her suicidality. She was leaving for a specific program at a well-regarded hospital that I had hoped would help her. I completely missed that she was covering her tracks – who would suspect she had specific suicide plans when she was willingly checking herself into a hospital? I certainly missed it.

Do me a favor: hold your loved ones close. Hold your suicidal loved ones and acquaintances even tighter. In closing, it’s also important to note that when someone appears to have gotten through a crisis, the time after things go back to “normal” can be the most dangerous time of all in terms of attempted and completed suicides. So be your brother’s keeper. Watch out for your depressed friend, both while they are in the midst of a depressive episode – and also after the crisis seems to have been averted.