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What Purpose Does the Beast Serve?

The Beast serves any number of purposes. The one that is probably the most nefarious is the one that can provide an “out.” What do I mean by an out? Well, whenever things get really difficult, the Beast offers a fallback, as it were. Meaning you always have suicide as a viable solution to your problems.


Giving up the dangerous dance with the Beast means you must fortify your other coping mechanisms. This will likely be one of the hardest things you have ever done (I know it was and sometimes still is for me.) Yes, I admit that I am sometimes lulled back into believing the Beast is my best (and only) option. It might not make sense – I admit to having an ever-present battle with the Beast, yet I also see myself as having moved on from there. At best, it’s confusing.  


One very important thing: I have many more tools in my toolbox than I used to. I have put a lot of energy into creative outlets for my suicidality (exercising, long walks, regular journaling, gratitude journaling, needlepoint, cross stitching, drawing, painting, other crafting, etc.) Note: your toolbox might be entirely different than mine, and that’s not wrong!! Journaling is probably my main go-to, and no matter what day I have, I also write down three things I’m grateful for every evening– even if it’s as simple as having a roof over my head.


The most important thing I’ve done to tame the Beast is regularly engaging in therapy. Therapy, at least good, productive therapy, is probably the best weapon one can employ to beat back the Beast. Therapy allows you to discuss your options in depth that you might not think of on your own. At its best, therapy is a collaboration between the therapist and the client, and a good therapist can help guide you to better, more productive outlets than doing a perilous dance with the devil that is the Beast. 


Note: so long as suicide is on the table, one cannot really live. One foot in the grave is a very dangerous place to be. And why, exactly, would one want to dwell there? I think the answer lies in the known versus the unknown and when the Beast becomes well-known to me or you, it becomes the comfortable, the fallback.


Once somebody falls under the spell of the Beast, it can become challenging to beat it back. The simple and powerful fact remains: I’ve lived under the spell for many moons, and it’s a miserable existence. Sadly, the fact that I recognize that I often fall under the spell doesn’t necessarily seem to help me overcome the morass. I recognize the fact that suicidality is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life - like perhaps some of you. That doesn’t mean I can’t live a life worth living. 


When you actively take suicide off the table, however, you give yourself a chance. A chance at what? A chance to LIVE.   


It cannot be overestimated: one foot in the grave is NO way to live – it is a mere existence – and who wants that? Remember, we are all born with an innate survival instinct; those of us who are suicidal are missing that instinct. That does not mean, however, that it is permanently broken. Instead, it means that one must actively work to reestablish one’s survival instinct.


How do you ask? Employing and fortifying one’s toolbox is an excellent place to start. Remember, your toolbox may look like mine or entirely different. Try something – anything – and commit to ten minutes. At the end of ten minutes, commit to ten more minutes. And repeat. If, after an honest trial, what you are doing isn’t working, then try something else. Remember, give it – give anything you try – a fair trial: if you tell yourself the entire time that it won’t work, believe me, it won’t. And really commit to the ten-minute intervals. 


Why only ten minutes? Committing to an hour, or even half an hour, can wind up feeling overwhelming and set us up for failure. Most of us can get through ten minutes, and most can repeat something for ten additional minutes. Things that appear impossible can look much more feasible when broken down into baby steps. Remember, baby steps might seem silly or unimportant, but they are steps, and any kind of forward movement cannot be overestimated. 


The Beast can serve any number of purposes, but the single most frightening is that of giving us suicidal people an “out” whenever things get difficult. “I can always kill myself if X happens or Y doesn’t.” Take it from me – this is no way to live. I have wasted countless days, weeks, months, and yes, years, being lulled by the Beast’s siren song and telling myself I can always kill myself. It’s important to note that I can never get back those days, weeks, months, and years. So, do yourself a favor: beat the Beast back NOW, before you lose any more of your precious life than you already have. YOU deserve to LIVE.

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todd
todd
13 dic 2023

You have done and are still doing a great job at keeping the beast at bay. There are days for all of us that we think it would be easier to let the beast win, but in the end, IMHO, the one that is hurt is YOU. And then ask yourself where would we all be if we didn't have you in our lives? Keep it up girlfriend and we will get through this and other things that rear their heads now and then. Love you, thanks for sharing!!!!

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